unorthodox

This is kind of strange. I suppose I just want to come forward and do something a little unorthodox; something possibly a little odd, but I think it's something I have to do.
If I tagged you in this note it is because I trust you, I think you deserve to know truth and deserve to know what is going on in my life and heart. So here goes.

I am struggling. I am not doing good. You may have noticed or you may not have. Regardless this is the truth. I have been trying my best to hide it; I have been trying my best to put on a mask, to put on a brave face and pretend like everything is going good. It's not as if my life is a wreck or like I am struggling with day to day living; but more on the spiritual end of things. I have a various assortment of masks that I have been wearing these past weeks, and months. Regardless of how strong I may see or how "together" might look; trust me.. I am not. I am not writing this to discourage you, but I feel I need to be truthful.
My heart feels as if it is being torn to pieces. I am pretty sure that I am not where I am supposed to be, yet I am terrified of where I am supposed to go. I am terrified of trusting God. So terrified that I can barely pray and worship has become so painful. It just seems that the more I realize what I need to do, the more I run in the wrong direction. These days, nothing feels right. Places where I used to feel so at home, like church or prayer, now seem like foreign places.
I want to say that I am not writing this for pity or for sympathy or empathy. I am writing this because I feel I have been fake with many of you. Spoken words that I am finding trouble believing, acting as if everything is ok when it most definitely has not been ok. I need to come clean with you all. Come clean to the fact that I have been lying in my actions and in my heart; that I have put on so many masks to hide the fact that I am not where I want to be, hide the fact that I can't seem to get back on track with God and with myself. I know this is rather out of the ordinary but if I can say this without seeming like I am contradicting myself, I think this is what we need right now. I think we need honesty. Honesty about where we are, honesty about what we're feeling, and honesty about struggles we may be having. We cannot be in community, I don't believe, if we are not completely and utterly honest with each other.

So I guess I'm just saying that I need to be truthful. I feel completely broken because I know exactly what I am supposed to do but I cannot do it. God is just asking me to trust him; but I am so scared to. I am terrified that if I trust him that everything will hit the fan again. I know all the great things about God: all knowing, all merciful, all loving, etc etc, and it's not as if I don't believe these things about him but I am just so scared that if I trust him that I will end up in the same place as I did last time I trusted God; fake and alone. When my mom died, I "knew" that it was God's plan; I "knew" that it was going to be ok.. But I was so busy being sure that it was God's plan that I did not grieve. I will always regret that. I regret not telling God that it wasn't fair. I regret every tear that I didn't cry. And now that I'm being ask to trust I am so scared of that same thing happening again.
I hate to say that I am scared to trust because I did it so "well" the first time around. Everyone would tell me how much I encouraged them with my faith despite of my mom's death. They were awestruck by how I trusted God even when everything was falling apart and now to tell them, you, that I am finding it so hard to trust just breaks my heart. I would wish that I could trust now as I did then but it's just so hard. I know that it is supposed to be hard, but right now I can't fight my own weakness, and I can barely stand on my own two spiritual feet. I am almost feeling now that I shouldn't be writing this; it seems like a "pity party", I want to assure you that it was not and is not meant to be that. I simply wanted to be honest with you. I wanted you to know that no matter how brave a face I put on right now; I am not perfect, I am not even imperfect, but I am broken.
I hope this wasn't discouraging. I don't expect that it was encouraging. But I hope that it.. I don't even know what I hope. Thanks for reading this and thank you for being my friend.

awake.

lying awake.
thoughts hurtling through my mind.
too scared to pray, not enough strength to cry.

change doesn't come. isn't coming.
will come? hopefully

can't sleep.
thoughts of misdeeds and wrong decisions.
situations replayed, choices second guessed.
too late to change the past.
too early to change the future?

drifting to sleep; wait.
got to run through the emotions first.
guilt.
pity.
sadness.
anger.
disbelief.
frustration.
peace?

no. not peace;
exhaustion overwhelms -
sleep comes.

Questions

I want to feel your presence again.
I don't want to be this person I'm becoming.
I don't know where you are, but maybe the question is: where am I?
Where is the person who I want to be?
Why have I fallen so far from where I need to be?
Why can't I get back to where I once was?
Why can't I just scream your name and find you once again?
Why? I don't know.
Can I get back to you? Always
Will you take me back? Of course.
Do I want to go back? If I can get there.
Do I miss what I used to have? Yes.
Why don't I just go back already? Because I am too weak.
Why don't I ask for help? Because I'm stubborn.
Why don't I just realize that I need you? Because I know I do, but I'm scared to screw up again.
When will I be whole again? ...... sometime?
Will I find you, will I cry out to you? I hope so.
Will you hear me? Yes.
Will I listen to your answer? I hope so.

I don't want to be where I am, but I'm not going anywhere.
Help get me out of this place.

Random, random - from my facebook account...

t's funny how instead of doing homework I'd rather write a note here on the horrendously addicting and time wasting facebook. I mean, I'm not even sure what I want to write about. A couple of days ago I meant to write a note, about what I could not tell you. Not because it's scandalous or anything of that sort but because I simply cannot remember. Isn't it strange how thoughts come and go so quickly. One will float into our minds one minute and flit out the next. I find that most days my mind has so many thoughts that they cannot be counted or measured by anything but other days my mind has only a few thoughts that play in my mind as if they are on "repeat" and "shuffle", always the same thoughts but always in seemingly different orders. The mind is a beautiful but scary thing. Many great inventions, games, music, speeches, and the like were first created in some great mind but on the flip side of that, so to were many horrible ideas, plots, schemes and other such things dreamt up in the terrible minds of history. The mind is where battles of will take place; where one fights addiction and bad habits. Spiritual battles also seem to enjoy the squishy, gray mass inside our craniums as a field for their fighting. Countless times people encounter voices arguing in their heads over what they should or should not do in certain situations. Our minds are the source of great power. We can choose to use them for good or bad. Every day we are faced with making that witty but hurtful comment at someones expense or not. It will make us look smart, but should we want to look smart for causing another persons embarrassment? Many times, in my mind at least, minds can cause depression or sadness. As I mull over issues of the day, I find times where I could have done something better, or where I said something I shouldn't. My mind won't allow me to forgive myself, it makes me see every part of me that is bad. It ponders every conversation I had throughout the day. It tears apart every interaction, every thought, every word. Minds can cause people to feel unloved even if they most definitely are. Again this is where the spiritual comes in. Lies from the Evil creep into our minds and plant seeds. Seeds that if left to their own devices can tear apart a persons psyche. Every look becomes a "glare", every word becomes an insult. If we don't solidify ourselves in what we believe and what we know to be true then we can easily fall into the trap of believing these lies. We must protect ourselves and know that we are created in the image of a perfect God. And know that even when we think that no one else loves us that there is the One that matters, the One who loves us no matter what. The One who loves us unconditionally. The mind is a dangerous place. We must stand firm in the arms of God and know that we are loved and that every thought we have is known by God.
Alright, well that turned out different that I would have expected when I started to write it. Interesting, interesting. The mind. Indeed.
(January 18th, 2008)

Faded Friendships

Why do friendships fade?
How is it that for so long you can be so tight with a person and then the next thing you know you hardly talk to that person and nothing feels right anymore?
Why? Why does it have to hurt so much and feel so weird?
I guess friends grow apart and friends grow together. Either way, you've had a good time I guess?

Bathing.... in the dark?

So last semester I was “trying” to study for my Astronomy final by reading my textbook. As I was reading I kept getting distracted by every little thing so I thought, I’ll take a bath, nothing to distract me in there -- I’ll read my textbook in the bath, yup brilliant. So I get my bath all ready and I take my textbook in there and start reading. I guess before I go on I should explain how our bathroom lights are set up: the sink is separate from the bathroom (so the toilet and shower are in one little room and the sink is next to it.. picking up what I’m laying down? -- I hope so) and they each have their own lights, but there is one switch for both of the lights. Now that that is clear, back to my story. So I’m sitting in the bathtub reading away... or rather, almost falling asleep when I hear my roommate get up and come over to the “bathroom area”. I guess she decided to wash her hands or something. Anyways, she does whatever she was doing at the sink and she turns the lights off (remember the one switch that controls both lights?). I think to myself, oh, well she probably just forgot momentarily that I’m in here and will flick the lights back on after she remembers, especially because when she’s in the shower and I brush my teeth I always almost turn the lights out on her but I catch myself. So I’m sitting there in the dark waiting for the lights to come back on... but they don’t. I hear her leave the “bathroom area” and go back to the other part of our room. At this point I’m thinking, CRAP! So I start yelling her name, “KYLA!!! KYLA!!!”, then I hear her get up from her bed again and I’m thinking, yeah, she’s going to come turn the lights on!!!, but then I hear her walk past the “bathroom area” and walk into the hallway. I’m like, what the heck is she doing??, I guess she thought someone was calling her from down the hall. So then as she’s coming back into our room I time my cry for help for when she’s right by the “bathroom area” and again, I hear her turn around and go back into the hall. But this time she goes down the hall into my friend Arielle’s room. Turns out she went to ask Arielle if she was calling her, of course Arielle is so confused. Meanwhile, I’m sitting buck-naked in the bathtub, in the dark. Next, the phone rings, so Kyla answers it and its her family. So I’m like, frick, I’m never getting the lights turned back on am I?, so I just decide to get out and get dressed because I’m obviously not getting any reading done now that I’m sitting in a pool of my own filth in the dark. So I climb out of the tub, get dressed and wander my way out into our room. My roommate, Kyla, is sitting on her bed talking to her Dad on the phone, so I hand signal her that she turned off the lights on me, and she gasps SO loud into the phone. It was so funny. She like covers the mouthpiece and looks at me with big eyes and says, “Oh my gosh Katie, I’m so sorry!!!” And I just burst out laughing. I was probably sitting in the dark for like 10(ish) minutes.

thoughts for missions

Looking at what "missionaries" have done in the name of Christ in the past frighten me. These missionaries thought that what they were doing, civilizing and assimilating native peoples, was right. It is one thing to share the Good News of Christ, it is another to push and force Christianity and "civilization" on people. God does not tell us to "Go and civilize the world", he tells us to "Go and make disciples of all people". When we decide that our "Western", culture, technologies, and politics are the only way to live in this world, we cross a line. This is arrogance and immaturity in the biggest form. God tells us to be a light to the nations, he doesn't tell us to "take our lights" to the nations. It is important to remember this in the mission field. We must remember that God has a plan. Remember that whatever we do in the mission field must come from God. We cannot lean on our own understanding. Dependence on our own understanding has and will lead to wrongs being done in the name of Christ. I believe the basis of missions must be in love. When love is not present in the missions field, the focus shifts from serving God's people and spreading the Good News to "how can we bring our culture to these people and make their lives better?" It cannot be this way. God is not culture, he is not wealth. God is love, mercy, salvation. He loves diversity, he did not create just one society for a reason. We cannot say that God wants the world to be streamlined when it was his hands that created it to be unique.