The only One.

Why can one have so many friends, yet feel like a complete outcast? Does that mean that those said friendships are not real friendships? Why is it that relationships cost so must? Why, for real relationship, does one have to bear it all? Is it the opening of one's most innermost feelings that allows for love to take place? It can be said that healing is found in the bearing of those wounds, but does relationship actually flow from that openness? Or does actually saying what one means get a person in trouble?
Do real friends care about what is going on in your life? Or do real friends care enough not to ask? In Christian circles we are called to community, yet when we reveal what is on our hearts we are suddenly in the middle of a, for lack of a better word, "shit-storm". When our emotions are brought to the surface people do not deal well with it. People are broken. And that inherent brokenness is what keeps us from loving; it is what keeps us from forgiving. And what intrinsically keeps us from freedom. There is no freedom in being broken people if we do not acknowledge our Savior. There is freedom in being broken, bruised, and wounded if one is at the feet of Jesus but it seems, at least in our world, that to be broken in the face of friends and family is NOT freeing. To admit brokenness is to admit defeat.
Brokenness should not be shunned. Emotions cannot be downplayed as frivolous parts of life. They are the opposite of frivolous, they are essential. Without emotions how does one love, how does one live?
As I write this I realize my own hypocrisy. There have been so many times where I have looked at someone's emotions and thought, "How useless". And there have been times where I have hidden my own emotions deep within my heart so as not to look weak. As I type these words I am hiding my emotions, and baggage. I feel like I always seem to be the one wearing her "emotions on her sleeve" and I am tired of being the only one. I am tired of being scared that the people I share my emotions with do not actually care. If we all shared what was on our hearts, being vulnerable would not be so difficult. We could be free to weep without fear of judgement. But living in the world we do, I cannot see how is this possible. Where strength and toughness get people ahead in life, there is not much room for the hurting, for the broken.
There is one place we can find rest. There is one person who TRULY does care. He never changes and he himself was broken so we could live. Jesus wants to hear what is hurting. He wants to heal and he wants to love. We just need to be willing, willing to lay broken and humbled at his feet.

If only.

Emptiness.
Where does it come from?
Why does it come? Why does it come when we are filled with so much?
My heart should be content, yet its not.
It yearns and longs for something more. I know exactly what that "more" is but yet I can't bring myself to seek it out, to search for it.
Why do emptiness and loneliness come together? Why do they come when one is surrounded by so many people? Why do they often appear when standing in a room full of people?
Why is it that we are known by so many people but no one really knows "us"?
Why does that question completely contradict itself?
Does it mean that we can never be known or loved?
Why is it that we know that there is the One who loves us and yet we turn away? Are we afraid? Are we scared to admit that someone actually knows us? Does it terrify us to know that someone loves us in spite of everything we hide from everyone else? Why is it so hard to see and accept the love that He has for us? Why do we run so hard in the wrong direction?
His arms are spread wide. He is waiting. He is waiting to be embraced. Yet we're so scared that we can't accept it. It's like that hug from the Auntie you don't really know. You know that she loves you but you don't know her well enough to accept that love.
Why?
If I could answer this life would be different. Life wouldn't feel so empty at times. Rooms full of people wouldn't feel so lonely. If only we, if only we could embrace the love that is waiting for us.
If only.

Do you ever find it funny that you don't realize how much you miss someone?
I mean, you know in your heart that you miss them, but until you actually sit and think about it, you don't actually realize the emptiness in your heart made by their absence.
I'm not just talking about people who have passed on, but friends, family, friends that are so close that they are like family, who you haven't seen in a while. It's not even like you never see them at all, it's just that you don't see them very often and when you do, nothing substantial is talked about. It's generally just the common, and often superficial, conversation "How are you? Good and you?". When do we get to go past that? When and how can friends bare their hearts if all they have time for is a 15 minute conversation? Look at your life. Look at who you love the most, then ask yourself if you really "know" them. Look past the fact that you talk to them every day and look at what kind of substance those conversations hold. Does it go more in depth than the regular, run of the mill conversation?
Now look at those people who you haven't seen in a while. Think about conversations you've had with them. I can think of numerous people who have had drastic impacts on my life. And among these people are those who I don't talk to as much any more. I miss their input. I miss the fact that they are willing to listen to the cries of one lowly girl who feels less and than worth it. For example, I haven't had a substantial conversation with my one good friend since before the start of fall semester. Now this person has had a tremendous impact on my life. When I was missing my mom, the warmth and love of an older woman in my life, this friend stepped in. She loved me and helped me to turn to God when no one else could fill that burden in my heart. Recently I received an email from this friend and as I was emailing her back, I could feel my eyes filling with tears. It's not as if we have stopped talking on purpose or that we hate each other or anything like that. However, her love and impact on my life are greatly missed. Distance has caused communication barriers but I know that she will always have a special place in my heart. It's like that old sweater that you might not wear very often anymore but when you do, everything feels right. You can't seem to throw it out because there would be a hole in your closet that cannot be filled by any new sweater that you buy.
I think it is the same with good friends. When someone comes into your life and changes you, changes you for the better, you will never forget them. You will never be satisfied by another friendship in the same way. Friends are so important. They help pick you up when you can't do it yourself. They help defend your heart when you're too blind to see the arrows flying at it. Friends have the power to make every day a better day. They have the power to change even the darkest day to light. Without friends, how can we experience the community that God has created people for?
I know that this blog is all over the place, but I guess that's what happens when I write what's on my mind. (haha) So enjoy it, or don't. Take it or leave it.

This is it.

This is it.
My first, well, okay, technically second "first" blog post on blogger... I deleted my first one after noticing that I had a spelling mistake in the title of my blog. (yes, I was ashamed and I couldn't change it...)
So, in this blog you'll find random, funny, sad, influential, angry, emotional, and silly posts...
Most likely the entries you find will range from random middle of the night ramblings to mid-afternoon jaunts with numerous verbs, nouns, and adjectives....
Some days I'll try to lighten your mood and others I'll be trying to get those tear ducts a-flowing (not on purpose, it just tends to happen sometimes). So prepare yourselves for the emotional rollercoaster called: "The Random Thoughts of One Wallbaum".

So hope to be radically annoying/influencing ya'll sometime soon.